The Book of Directions

by Steve Martin

The New Yorker
December 4, 2000

"The Book of Directions" takes a much needed look at the oral tradition of direction-giving. It opens enchantingly, hooking the reader with this simple but elegant example: "Go two blocks down the street, make a left, turn right at the light, and you'll see the sign."

That direction is quickly followed up with an even more compelling gem: "Go straight up the street about a block, and it's on the left." Both these examples not only are breathtakingly clear but ring with the haiku of modern direction-giving and entice the reader into the hidden mysteries of oral routing.

The author of "The Book of Directions," the French hothead Pierre Trout, found his inspiration after visiting America several years ago. In his preface he writes, "I was impressed with the American proclivity for giving directions. In France we do not do it, especially for tourists who cannot seem to understand that the imperfect subjunctive of the verb 'être' is 'fusse' and not 'soit.'" The author recounts inquiring about the location of the Plaza Hotel. Expecting a rebuff, he was perplexed when a courteous cabbie actually pointed in the direction of the hotel, saying, "It's right over there." Mr. Trout observed that the expression not only was useful in that instance but was also a generally good direction that could function in many circumstances. "Of course, "It's right over there' is useless unless accompanied by a finger point or a head gesture," the author writes, "but sometimes I use it without any gestures at all, which is beautifully confounding for foreigners. It's not as poetic as, say, 'Make two lefts and a right,' but it's a very functional form. What I love about 'Make two lefts and a right' is that, besides having a natural cadence that makes it fun to say, it is also extremely utilitarian and is a phrase that every potential direction-giver should memorize, along with its controvert, 'Make two rights and a left.'"

Mr. Trout offers informative chapters on historic directions ("They're right across the Delaware") and outrageously humorous directions ("If you're under water, you've gone too far"), and along the way he defines baffling slang ("Make a U-ey"). But he spends much time, perhaps too much, on directions involving landmarks. Mr. Trout loves the colloquial, and he starts his chapter on land-mar-related directions with this example: "Ya go down to where the old barbershop was, and you stay on that road till you pass the Burpee sign. Make a right at the intersection where old Jimmy Delong spontaneously combusted." Mr. Trout points out that the above direction is very specific, and perhaps not useful in the Balkans or the French West Indies.

Consider this landmark-filled but more practical direction that was given by a Woman of Means to a member of the B.P.O.E. who was futilely searching for Westminster Abbey in Mr. Trout's home city of Paris.

Woman of Means (makes expulsion-of-air sound through lips): Westminster Abbey is in London. (Then, in French and under her breath) I can't believe that my important day is being interrupted by this concho-belt-wearing cowpoke. Doesn't he understand that my husband is the textile king? (Resuming, in English) You go up the Champs-Elysees, turn left at the Louvre, go to the Gare du Nord, and board the Chunnel for London. (Back to French) Am I not wonderful? Do I not have the perkiest ass in all of Gaul?

"American directions are the greatest of all," Mr. Trout writes in a chapter devoted to the subject. "'Head on straight for about a mile' pops into my mind immediately. I've used it countless times even when the destination is not straight on for about a mile, just because of its meter. I prefer a direction to be beautiful, and I could care less about its accuracy. And nobody really minds. I never hear from them again. After all, everything is straight on about a mile from somewhere."

This book is a welcome addition to any reference library. It is the perfect companion to "Un-True Intersections of the United States: When American Streets Cross at Greater Than Ninety Degrees." "Directions" is available now at your local bookstore. Go out your door, make a right at the light. The bookstore is on your left. If you're under water, you've gone too far.