Wednesday, March 03, 2010
4:57PM: Backstage with Alec Baldwin. I tell him, "Break a leg!" but accidentally gesture to the marbles I've poured on the floor.

5:00PM: Bat my eyelashes at Joan Rivers, who asks me how I did that. I compliment her on her dress. She calls me a whore.

5:01PM: Big opening number! Apparently this idea was borrowed from "theater." (?)

5:10PM: Joking with some woman named Meryl Streep. She looks familiar, acts like she knows me, but something about her gives me the willies.

5:14PM: I have a mirror in my pocket to make sure nothing's stuck in my teeth. I check it and get totally sucked in. Before I know it, Best Supporting Actor is announced. Can't remember who won, I was Tweeting about how great I look.

5:25PM: Backstage, A man with a headset comes up to me and asks me if I need anything. When I tell him he slaps me. Yeeouch!

5:28PM: Somebody comes up to me with a scrumptious looking cannoli. It's rather chewy. Find out it's a lint brush.

5:35PM: Feeling jittery! To focus myself, I do some yoga, cough up tiny pieces of lint-covered cardboard.

5:43PM: 7 hours, 31 minutes to go until the show is over.

5:44PM: Just think. 82 years ago, at the first-ever Academy Awards, the people in the audience were probably like "Methinks I shall win ye Honour to-nyght!"

5:45PM: This is getting old.

5:51PM: Back in the zone.

5:55PM: The women, gorgeous beyond belief. In their honor, I vow to become bulimic.

6:02PM: Lifetime Achievement honoree Lauren Bacall says hi. Between you and me, she looks like she's aged a bit since her last movie, CASABLANCA. Very nice, though.

6:09PM: A few more people, or as I think of them, "non-me's", have won.

6:16PM: Some of the winners want to shake hands. Unlike theirs, though, MY hand is dripping Purell because I'm thoughtful.

6:23PM: Playing the banjo in a supply closet. The paper towels are LOVING it!

6:36PM: Just took a quick nap during a Best Something montage. To reduce under-eye puffiness, just a dab of meth.

6:40PM: Somebody tells me we're nearly halfway done! To celebrate, a quick haircut.

6:49PM: Need to keep energy up. Think about Alec hogging stage, rage kicks right in.

6:57PM: If I were one of these people handing out the actual statuettes, I would get such a kick out of slightly tugging on it as the recipient tried to take it. But I'd never run away with it. Learned my lesson at the bluegrass awards in Nashville. That was bad.

7:05PM: Just finished writing a novel.

7:14PM: Best Art Direction. I think the best direction for art is West!

7:22PM: Now they're doing the sad part, the montage of all the people who died this year. The backstage crew says "Steve, no air horn."

7:31PM: Over it.

7:36PM: Into it again.

7:38PM: Nope. Forget this.

7:39PM: OK, I love it.

7:41PM: Cracking open my fourth bucket of Purell.

7:47PM: "Avatar" looks incredible! Had no idea the Smurfs were this hot.

7:53PM: Best Foreign Language is up. How can a language be nominated for an Oscar? Academy = corrupt.

8:02PM: The evening is almost over!

8:03PM: No it's not.

8:04PM: All the best-known awards are coming up now. I'm getting tingly! Maybe ‘cause the only thing I ate all night was that lint brush.

8:07PM: LOVE my new iPhone! Critter Crunch is the funnest game ever.

8:35PM: Whoa! Alec's yelling at me to get onstage for the "good night!"

8:40PM: FANTASTIC EVENING! Wasn't I amazing?